Grumpy Old Man

Tomorrow I'll be 45, which means that I'll be genuinely middle-aged. I therefore feel I've got permission to have a good old moan about some of the things that annoy me.

1. English Sport

Our cricket, football and rugby teams are all rubbish. The players are overpaid with no hunger or fighting spirit. The Ashes was humiliating. I also can't see many future athletic stars. How many medals will we win at the London Olympics? Zero. Its tragic that Zara Philllips is the best sports personality we can come up with.

2. TV

Television is turning us into a nation of zombies. The soap operas are depressing and I can't wait for East Enders to join Crossroads and Brookside in the soap graveyard. The Christmas schedule was shocking. God knows why people watch those reality tv shows and why the newspapers give them so much coverage. There's no decent food programmes nowadays. Silvana - where are you? Gordon - pack up swearing. Its not big and its not clever.

3. Celebrity Culture

Why are we so obsessed with celebrity? I really can't understand it. There's more and more celeb mags and web sites. Why is anyone interested in Jade Goody's love life or Kerry and Brian's latest tiff? They've got no talent and are really, really uninteresting. There's too many celeb biographies. Why has Wayne Rooney written his life story. He's only 21 and hasn't scored for England for years. How sad do you have to be to turn to Posh Spice for fashion and beauty tips?

4. WAGS

I hated all the pictures of Colleen, Posh and the one from Girls Aloud shopping during the World Cup. They're dreadul role models and I think they contributed to our disastrous on pitch performance. The boys weren't focused on the job in hand. I don't want to see all the Ryder Cup wives lined up for photocalls on the 18th Green in their matching outfits. They've got nothing to do with the competition. Keep away.

5. Xenophobia

I hate all the media coverage that implies that immigrants have a negative impact on British life and that there are too many foreigners entering 'our' country taking 'our' jobs and that we should stop them. Its completely untrue. Britain has always welcomed foreign workers.They bring energy and a desire to succeed. Our economy needs them. Everyone who has had Polish builders think that they're fantastic. Our health system would collapse without foreign nurses and doctors. Our food culture has been enriched. London is the food capital of the world. Its a no brainer. Immigrants we love 'em. Fortunately all those people who think our country has gone to the dogs have moved to Spain or Thailand to build their idyllic communities. Good luck to them.

6. Air Travel

You have to arrive at least 2 hours before your flight is due. Virtually every flight I've taken over the past year has been delayed. It takes hours to get through airport security. The baggage handling at Heathrow is SO slow. There are always delays on the M4. Fags, booze, perfume. Every duty free shop looks the same.

That'll do. I'm depressing myself!